Friday, May 30, 2008


Is how I feel right now. For good and bad.

Faith had her first Physical therapy session and it went well. I was able to get a little more insight from the therapist on her condition. Although disheartening, I feel ready to get going. I wasn't prepared for what Faiths homecoming would bring, what parent would be. I thought physical delays, no big deal, we would work on that and she'd catch up, sooner than later. But I sit here in tears because she is not just physically delayed, she is developmentally delayed. She potentially has issues that could last a life time and I am feeling overwhelmed, guilty, sad and anxious.

You see, my husband didn't want four kids, he wanted two. After I pestered him for a third, he got a vasectomy. However, three kids still wasn't enough for me, that's when I convinced him we should adopt. I chose Guatemala for many reason, a healthy infant was one.

Having a fourth child was going to throw things off a bit. My twin sister and I have many things in common, it's a twin thing. We both have three kids and me having a fourth would unbalance things. She has a girl and two boys, just as I had. Her third child Joey is disabled. He suffered an accident that has left him brain damaged. My sister spends her days taking him all over town for therapy session after therapy session. What does this have to do with anything? I thought that it was odd that we were no longer similar in regards to our child. God had something in store for my sister and I and I couldn't figure out what it was. I've got it now! Instead of my sis having a fourth child to even the score, the Lord gave me Faith. Our lives are connected once again. I will join my sister on her journey to healing our children and giving them the best possible life out there.

So that leads me to my guilt. Remember, my husband didn't want anymore children. Now we will be spending a great deal of time and energy getting Faith to were she needs to be developmentally. I feel like I didn't give him the option, that I chose his path without considering his feelings. And now he will go through the process of seeing his daughter struggle to become all she can be. Don't get me wrong, he is an incredible man and doesn't look back. He takes what God gives him and runs with it. He said to me "Rub some dirt on it and get up". So that's what I'm going to do. Matter of fact I'm going to rub a little dirt on everyone in the house.

The lord has blessed me with an amazing family and I am so grateful to have Faith and all my children in my life. I just got a little pep talk from my sis and now I'm feeling better.

Thanks for the vent session


lovingourtwoguys said...

I am sending you and Faith big hugs. I know this must be a really difficult time and I am sorry for that. I hope you will keep us posted on Faith's progress!

(Jules17 on

Heidi said...

I am so sorry. This would be a hard thing for anybody and I am sure if your hubby really didn't want a 4th, he would have refused to go with it. :) That is so great you and your sis can go through this together and always have eachother for support. And I know one thing, Faith is a lucky little girl. She is so meant to be yours and you are meant for her.

Kim said...

You are indeed blessed Suzanne. God only gives us what we can handle. I try and tell myself that everyday that we still sit in PGN. As we wait, and wait, I worry more about Kate's vision and heart problems. I KNOW I can deal with all this when she gets home. We have to and it will be a labor of love either way. Take care of yourself and your husband. You WILL get through this!

Steph said...

Thank you so much for sharing this. I am touched so deeply by this post. It sounds like you have an amazing family and a wonderful support system. That is so wonderful that you have your sister to share this journey with. This is definitely a hard road your family is on unexpectedly. But, you have all of the strength, spirit, heart, and resiliency you need. You and Faith were not brought together simply by chance. It is a blessing from God. She needs you and your family needs her. Please keep us posted on her progress. We are all here supporting your family in blogland!

Will and Aileen said...

I found your blog because you posted on Ariana's blog. I just wanted to say that God never gives you more than you can handle-even when you think he has. I thought life could never be good again after losing sweet Ariana, and then we were blessed with our son, and life is not only good, but amazingly sweet. I know that Faith will be such a great blessing to you and your family as she grows and that you will meet every challenge head on! I'm sure your husband agrees-how could anyone not love that sweet face?

Stacy said...
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Courtney said...

Thanks for being so open and honest. I pray for you to find the strength ........ Have FAITH in yourself. Hang in there. Prays for you. Courtney

demp5 said...

I am so sorry that you are on an emotional roller coaster. As for the guilt, please do not receive that! God knew long ago that Faith would be a part of your family. It was all part of HIS plan. You are such a great momma, and you love your family so much. I can not imagine going through your journey, but you are a strong woman, and He will give you everything you need.